Letting Go

The first words that come to mind are from the iconic Nat King Cole song “Nature Boy” with words and music written by Eden Ahbez.

There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy
And sad of eye
But very wise
Was he

And then one day
A magic day he came my way
And while we spoke of many things, fools and kings
This he said to me
“The greatest thing
You’ll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return”

(instrumental interlude)

“The greatest thing
You’ll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return”

There’s another lyric floating in my head. It’s one I’m writing so that I have someplace to put the feelings I have inside. Otherwise, I genuinely fear I’ll go mad with grief. A little background is in order.

As some of you may know, I lost my mother late last month. I don’t care what a child’s relationship is with his or her mother, the wound it leaves is devastating. Reading some of the information available online, I’m finding that it’s not my imagination or some pathology that’s making this loss so much more difficult than losing my father in 1987. Women have a special relationship with their mothers that cannot be replicated. We may utterly adore our fathers, but it’s the mothers who nurture us and understand us because they were us. I know that I’m still in the early stages of grief and I’m told my ability to handle it and/or get used to it will get better over time. It must, because everyone loses their parents and they don’t go barking mad. That is, unless the losses keep piling up.

My brain works differently than other people’s. It’s something I’ve had to accept and live with. Sunday, it finally truly hit me that the man I’ve loved for nearly all my life, Glenn, is gone. We met during my freshman year in undergrad. I saw him and wanted him BAD. And he wanted me, but was involved with someone else at the time, too. Actually, I’d say several someone elses. Eventually, after what seemed an eternity and a transfer from one school to another, I finally landed him. We carried on for 17 years, even through the early portion of his marriage to the woman I definitely knew he was involved with my freshman year, one of us going to or leaving from New Jersey to Ohio. Occasionally, if I was traveling on the East Coast, we’d meet up wherever I was. Since his wife was a doctor and they didn’t have children then, it wasn’t a big deal for him to take a drive. He was my first truly adult love and I loved him like I’ve never loved any other man. He was the only man for me. He still would be if he existed, but he doesn’t.

The rest of the story would fill a lot of bandwidth, but it’s safe to say that we each made huge mistakes. His was leaving me alone for two years and then calling because he wanted phone sex. Mine was in telling him while fuming at the gall of his request that I was no longer sleeping with men. Then, I had a nightmare of a reaction to a drug my psychiatrist had me on that obliterated both my inhibitions and my internal EDIT button. I’d wanted to talk to him ever since he hung up on me when I told him I was only sleeping with women and identified as a lesbian. In truth, had we talked about it even just a little, for him, I would have made an exception. He was the man with whom I was so utterly in love, even though I was pissed as hell with him. So, I tracked him down, which was fairly easy to do. I checked out his property and where he lived via a few paid search sites with public records. Then, I called him at work.

He decided, for reasons I’ll never know nor understand, to play an incredibly cruel and humiliating trick on me. He pretended to be interested in possibly getting back together. This evolved over several phone and chat conversations. Then, after I sent this really honest, though really corny, video to him, I didn’t hear from him. I caught him online a few days afterwards and asked if he liked the video. (Even I didn’t like the video because it was far too corny for words.) He said no. He went on to mock me, tell me that I’d fallen for a lie, tell me to give it up, to move on, he didn’t want to hear from me again, blah, blah, blah. I tried to get answers for why he’d done such a horrible thing for nearly a year. I don’t remember the sequence, but his response was usually no response. Actually, I thought he’d blocked my e-mail but continued writing because I really needed to talk with him, even if it was a conversation that took place in my head.

The last time I actually talked to him, he threatened to have someone beat me up, I think sexually assault me and kill me if I came near him or his family. In my precarious mental state, he broke me. And I do mean that literally. I tried to commit suicide even though I’d found evidence that the drug I was given went a very long way in determining my actions not just toward him but everyone I encountered. I was in ICU for four days and a mental ward for an additional three-day hold. The psychiatrist who saw me in the hospital knew that the drug I was taking could have really horrible side effects, thank God. He was perfectly happy to let me go because I wasn’t a danger to myself or anyone else. I was, nevertheless, furious with Glenn.

I am supposed to be dead, but I’m not. I took enough meds to be dead, but I’m not. They were in my system long enough for me to be dead, but I’m not. Why?? I honestly don’t know. Sunday was the first time in all the years in between then and now that I’ve seriously thought about what it would be like to make the pain stop. The reason I haven’t is because there are three lives (actually four since I couldn’t go through with Poppy’s euthanasia Saturday) depending on me. Yes, my grief may well drive me mad, but I have to hold on to enough reality to make sure they are cared for.

Sunday carried with it something else: the realization that Glenn is really and truly gone. That realization alone would overwhelm me, even after so many years. Now, I’m trying to deal with two losses, either of which would devastate me, but together have me seriously wondering whether I can absorb this much emotional pain. The Glenn I met as a young man and watched grow into a fully adult man, doesn’t exist anymore. He wouldn’t do something to me that was humiliating and cruel, (although I do remember him totally ignoring me while in the campus club one night when his current wife/then-whateverthefuck was there). I have also surmised that he did so in front of an audience of at least one other person. What does that make him? Well, it isn’t the Glenn I knew. I wish on everything precious to me that I could have the man I loved and adored back in my life, but clearly, for whatever reason, this one hates me. I, on the other hand, will always love the one I knew, even though I knew then that he could go on to a really dark and hostile place or be a loving, caring, sweet person. It was the latter that I knew, loved and believed in.

Hmph! Well, I guess I ended up telling the whole story anyway. Basically, I’m dealing with a great deal of loss and it’s going to get worse. I’m hanging on by my fingernails as it is. I’m hoping and doing a lot of praying that I can make it through. Monday, I have to go into my mother’s bedroom and start searching yet again for insurance policies as well as some other things.

I wrote the lyrics to a melody as yet to be written. In fact, I only have a very vague melody in my mind. However, that does not mean these lyrics can be used without my permission. They can’t–unless you want a lawyer on your ass that will sue you for everything you’ve got. They will be registered in the U.S. Copyright Office ASAP.

You Never Taught Me to Let Go

I’ve loved you for life
I’ve loved you for a lifetime
My heart was full and eyes were bright
Cuz you’d taught me to love right

I loved you when I hated you
I loved you when you hated me
I loved you so completely
So unconditionally.

Then one day you were gone
Leavin’ me wond’ring what went wrong
You were gone so fast, no time to ask
How I’m s’pose to let you go.

You never taught me to let go.
You never taught me to let go.

There I was alone
Left wand’ring in the cold
My heart so filled with love it burst
Leaving me broken, bent and bowed.

You never taught me to let go.
You never taught me to let go.

Lord, please, God in heaven
I don’t know what to do
The pain inside dropped me to this ground
And now I’m begging you.

Lord, please, please,
Please tell me how
To endure the ache inside
I’ve tried so hard to help myself
But break a lil’ more each time.

Please, God teach me to let go.
I don’t know how to let love go.
Please, God teach to let go.
I can’t bear this pain anymore.
Please, God teach me to let go.
Cuz I’m gonna go insane.

Love never taught me to let go.
Love never taught me to let it go.

© 2012 OnX

Goodbye, Mommy. Goodbye, my love. I’ll see you both on the other side one day.

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