This post was originally written March 20, 2012.
I’ve been up all night, probably because I don’t want to face sleeping. It’s not the sleeping that’s the problem. It’s the twilight state just before falling asleep that reminds me how empty I feel because I feel so alone. The truth is that I am far from alone. Maybe a better phrase would be that I feel very lonely in those minutes and even in the hours I’ve spent polishing my new lyrics/poem about not knowing how to let go of the people I love and doing other mundane things online. It seems there are so many things that remind me that I’ve lost two people. I really do want the world to stop because I’m grieving, but it won’t. As the saying goes, “One monkey don’t stop no show.” I’m the monkey and the show must go on. Yeah, OK.
If it were possible, I’d curl up in bed and not get out for the next six months to a year. I’m struggling through because of my furbabies. If I didn’t have them, I would definitely find a way to suicide. I have passed the limit of what I can deal with. It would be different if I could stop loving my mother and Glenn, but I can’t. Glenn will always be the absolute love of my life. There will definitely be no other man, although there’s some vague hope that I’ll find a woman who can love me and whom I can love. Even so, it will never be the same or even in the same league.
There’s a song by Lady Antebellum that sums it up, except that I’d increase the age to 30-ish.
Dancing Away with My Heart
I finally asked you to dance
On the last slow song
And beneath the moon that was really a disco ball
I can still feel my head on your shoulder
Hoping that song would never be over
I haven’t seen you in ages
Sometimes I find myself
Wondering where you are
For me you’ll always be 18
And beautiful and dancing away with my heart
I brushed your curls back so I could see your eyes
And the way you moved me was like you were in my mind
I can still feel you lean into kiss me
I can’t help but wonder if you ever miss me
Oh you headed out to college
At the end of that summer when we lost touch
I guess I didn’t realize even at that moment we lost so much
Nah nah nah [repeat 3x]
Nah nah nah [repeat 3x]
Away with My Heart
I had to hear it twice on satellite radio before I really listened to it. For Glenn and I, we lost a lot when he moved back East and I didn’t have the good sense to follow him. I was so damn naive and plain stupid about some things. If I’d been there, I’m going to bet that I wouldn’t be the one who was told about him marrying someone else. The question would then be: What are we going to do about my then-burgeoning lesbianism, although it would technically be bisexuality? My mother was always a bit suspicious of Glenn until about 10 years ago. About five years ago, she told me that she thought Glenn would allow me to be myself in all aspects and that she’s always felt we’d find each other again. As I said either here or somewhere else, some of the women in our family have the gift of sight. Mom’s was stronger than mine is, although I have a suspicion that age has something to do with it. Anyway, except when she saw something shereally didn’t want to see, she was accurate far more than not. Her gift was like mine in that it isn’t exactly “sight,” per se. It’s just a very strong feeling about some things. It doesn’t happen consistently. (God, I can’t believe I’m actually allowing myself to write about this!) It happens when it happens and doesn’t when it doesn’t.
I had to eat for the first time in a little over a week. I don’t eat when I’m depressed, stressed or otherwise upset. It’s played havoc with my metabolism. I just don’t care. The only reason I ate today was because I was so light-headed I wasn’t sure I could remain conscious. My body had to adjust and didn’t. It’s bad enough that the fibromyalgia screws with my gut. I’ve added to it. Hence, I really don’t think eating did anything for me. It was a wash and a waste of money.
I’m not going back to writing my normal blog until next week, a day before the one-month anniversary of Mom’s death. All I feel is dread. I don’t know how to get through it, but I guess I have to.