Naming My Desires

Occasionally I’ll mention something about the “old ways.” I refer to the ways of shamans in various societies, but also of laws that existed almost before there was time. For example, I said three times “I renounce thee” in one of my posts, along with the person’s name. In days not so old, a man or woman could divorce his or her spouse by publicly stating that they were doing so while turning around three times. The individual in question was not my spouse, but we were together longer than many marriages. Funny, now, we have been apart almost as long, but that’s another story.

In many old cultures, it was believed that it was possible to speak a thing into existence. Unfortunately, the thing brought into existence by speaking it is usually something malevolent. I choose to believe that it’s possible to bring something good and beautiful into existence by speaking or writing it too. I am sadder than I’ve been since my mother died on February 27. In a way, that’s good because I don’t have the usual protective armor and can allow the pain pour out into what I want and need.

What I Need

  • Shelter that I can count on
  • I need to claw my way out of this crippling depression
  • I need to know that I matter
  • I need to be clear about who my friends are and who they aren’t
  • I need to know who I can count on for what
  • I need to eat occasionally
  • I need to feel safe
  • I need to be important to someone
  • I need money to keep the house functioning
  • I need a home
  • I need to let some of this agony out of me before it tears me to pieces
  • I need to forget
  • I need to be loved
  • I need rest
  • I need help with some of the above

What I Want

  • I want one last love affair that burns so bright it lights the night sky
  • I want happiness
  • I want great monkey-hanging-from-the-chandelier sex
  • I want a partner who understands me
  • I want a partner who can console me even if she doesn’t understand
  • I want to be wrapped safely in her arms and hold her safely in mine
  • I want a chance to pass my knowledge of so many things on to someone else
  • I want someone who can love me just as I am
  • I want someone who doesn’t see me as a liability
  • I want someone who can appreciate me and see me as an asset
  • I want Glenn to burn in hell for what he’s done to me and, I’m sure, to others
  • I want to live my life in beauty, love, grace and forgiveness
  • I want to be a parent, even though I know that won’t happen now
  • I want to cry because my heart is breaking and I’m alone
  • I want to know that I’ve mattered to someone special
  • I want a garden of wild flowers that border a stone patio sitting in the middle of the backyard
  • I want to be a successful publisher
  • I want to be a person who believes other people matter

What I Don’t Want

  • I don’t want to be someone who believes they are entitled just because
  • I don’t want to forget that no one is perfect
  • I don’t want money to be my sole badge of honor
  • I don’t want expensive things to prove to myself and/or others that I’m worth something
  • I don’t want anymore dysfunctional relationships
  • I don’t want to hurt or cause harm to anyone–unless it is to promote change
  • I don’t want to feel so hurt and alone ever again
  • I don’t want to pass love by
  • I don’t want to be sad anymore
  • I don’t want to hurt anymore
  • I don’t want Glenn at all
  • I don’t want to feel like dying
  • I don’t want to see tomorrow
  • I don’t want my girls to suffer

I’m done.

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2 responses to “Naming My Desires

  1. Not only do you matter to the world and furbabies, but believe it or not, you’ve taught someone else a lesson they will understand now or later. Your presence has a ripple effect that can’t be measured until the last wave reaches the shores.

    • Hi Writer,

      One way or another, I suppose you’re right. It’s that old saw about a butterfly flapping her wings and causing nuclear winter or some such. I’d forgotten about that. Thanks for reminding me.

      There are days when I think that I’m blogging madly because this might be the only record that I ever existed. That’s not true. I’ve got a draw of articles that say otherwise. But there are days–I’d even say most days–when I feel as insignificant as a stray cat hair floating in the breeze. In some ways, perhaps even less signifant that that since that lone cat hair might make a person sneeze and that person’s sneeze carries germs that can be picked up by someone who then gets sick, and on and on it goes.

      So, Writer, I was a little surprised that you were able to comment, although I’m glad you did. I thought I’d turned comments off. Now, I’m re-thinking that. I’m curious about what others think. If I did turn comments on, would people say anything or would they just read and say nothing? It’s really frustrating when that happens. I have another block that gets a whole lot more hits on a given day than this one. Yet no one writes a thing, but will link back to articles. I’ve been considering turning comments off on that one even if I leave them on here. BTW, the two blogs are completely and totally separate and I have every intention of keeping them so. I can freely express myself here when I can’t elsewhere.