Crying

I’m sitting in my van inside my garage after taking one of the furbabies to the vet. Then, I went to pick up a book I ordered from my favorite music store. By the time I got to the music store, it took everything I had to not break down in tears again. I first lost it in the shower today. Now, I’m so close to losing it here in the garage. I don’t want to go into the house because there are two other furbabies who need me and I can’t cope.

I prayed and prayed, asking God to both give me strength and let me know why Glenn is more probably than not a narcissistic sociopath. I have zero credentials to make that assessment. NONE! All I have is a lot of experience with shrinks and parts of the DSM-IV that’s online. So, maybe I’m wrong. I want to be wrong. If I’m right, the dark side he’s always had won over the good.

I did something stupid yesterday and wrote to him about what I’d discovered about myself and about him. How do you tell ANYONE that they’re something so horrible? How do you tell someone you knew years ago and your first, real, forever love that his actions and attitude fit the profile of someone so horrible I can’t bear to type it another time? Somehow I did. It wouldn’t matter because he couldn’t care less about what I think or feel except insomuch that he enjoys watching the pain. And there truly is pain. I feel as though my soul has been cleaved in two.

On top of this, I really need my mother. If she were alive, I wouldn’t tell her about this for fear that she’d say I was weak. But now, all I want– besides the ability to go back in time–is to lay in my mother’s arms and cry. She never knew how many times I wanted to do that, but she considered crying a weakness.

I prayed to her too while sobbing in dry heaves in the shower. I sensed that she was sympathetic, but also told me to pick myself up and do the things that need to be done. I will, but I don’t have it in me now. The most I can do is go in the house and face the two girls.

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