Questions that will never be answered.
I’ve noticed something. I’m spiraling down and I can’t seem to control it. I don’t know exactly why, although I have some possible candidates. Whatever the case may be, the question that underlies it all is this: Why was I born? I used to say that I wish my mother had miscarried me as she had two other fetuses. That’s pretty much how I feel right now. But for the girls, I couldn’t care less whether I lived or died. My survival instinct has never been all that strong to begin with. I refuse to allow my furbabies to tread a dangerous path at the local animal shelter. I won’t do that to them. Therefore, I live.
Some would say that I’ve helped a lot of people. Eh. Maybe. Some would say that they enjoy having me in their lives. Where the hell are they now? Others would say that I have a gift that I should share with the world. I laugh at that. The “world” doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me. I’m just one more mouth that some anonymous woman spit out of her coochie. No one knows why I was born, least of all me.
Yes, I can teach people or at least open their minds to something they’d never considered. The problem is that most people are very happy to be ignorant. I wish I were ignorant a lot of times. I’ve seen so much of the darkness of the human spirit that it makes me feel as though the planet would be better off if humans were wiped out altogether. I really don’t think humans deserve to exist. Yet, here we are, messing up this planet we call “home.” If this is home, what would we do to a planet we were visiting? Humans are why I like animals so much more.
Posted in general
I should be in my bed working on sleeping right now. I have a lot to do tomorrow, most of it having to do with the upcoming photo shoot. I’ve decided to really embrace it, especially since I can do a couple of different sets of photos at a time. I need to make sure that there is enough product to see me through August. That means I’m going to have to invest more money to make more money. Right now, I’m just tired. It all seems like an enormous deal when it really isn’t.
I’ve been thinking about moving out of the state for the last week. Granted, I’ve actually been thinking about it more on than off for over a year. Then, I realized that I don’t want to leave this city. I love it. That’s not to say I wouldn’t love the city to which I’m considering moving, because I have a feeling that I might (if I can get over my fear of snakes). But this will always be home. It doesn’t matter what relatives are alive or dead, this is home for me.
The real reason I’ve been thinking more favorably about moving is that I’ve changed. I’m trying really hard to wrap my head around it, but I think I’ve moved over to about a 3 on the Kinsey Scale. That means I’m more heterosexual than homosexual. I don’t know exactly how or when that happened, but it has. I’m not straight, just more interested in men. The area I would move to has a thriving tech industry that’s growing. With them comes an overflow of men. The thing is, everyone I know in the area knows me as a female-focused bi woman or as a lesbian. They’d get a bit of a shock were they to experience me as I am now. Do I really want to deal with that drama? No! I’m sick of drama. In fact, I’m going to be exorcising this blog of all the drama in the form of a couple of tags and categories because I want to reclaim my blog as my own. I feel that it’s been sullied by being viewed by TEWSNBN, who I’d like to go away now and come back in a couple of years. Better yet, don’t come back here. Let my lawyer deal with his lawyer if he just has to. Stupid move, but it’s his choice. I want to get back to being open about who I am, what’s going on with my life and feeling OK about writing the same. Right now, I feel somewhat violated.
The other thing about the area I’m considering is that it’s in the real South. There is most definitely something to be said about southern gentlemen. I’ve met a number of them. With few exceptions, they treat women a lot better than those in the North. I’m tired of being treated like crap because I’m not het. It is very painful to have someone you trust spew venomous words at you because he can’t take being told “No” because I am not into men. On the surface, this makes no sense. The South is the Bible Belt and I’m only going to get more abuse from the men down there when I reveal that I am not straight. Maybe. Maybe not. The people moving into the area aren’t necessarily of the Bible Belt variety. But if they aren’t, aren’t they the ones I’d be running from up here? I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers yet. I just know that I’ve had enough abuse of the emotional and sexual varieties to last three lifetimes. That isn’t hyperbole. I wish it was. That’s why this book is so important for me. I can think of a couple of different ways to write it, but I need to do some other things before I even begin to think about it. Of course, that hasn’t stopped me from thinking about it, but at least I know that there are other priorities and this needs to sit on the shelf for a few months. I’ll make my notes and come back to them when I can.
Someone told me that I have a life to live. Yeah, I guess they’re right. I’m going to bed and watch whatever is on my DVR as I fall asleep. It’s a damn shame I can’t travel back in time. I would do it in a hot minute. Oh well.
Posted in abuse, blogging, dating, general, homophobia, moving, photo shoot, real life, sexuality, TEWSNBN, the book, war between the exes
Tagged dating, emotional abuse, homophobia, moving, photo shoot, sexual abuse, sexuality, tewsnbn, the book, war between the exes
Occasionally I’ll mention something about the “old ways.” I refer to the ways of shamans in various societies, but also of laws that existed almost before there was time. For example, I said three times “I renounce thee” in one of my posts, along with the person’s name. In days not so old, a man or woman could divorce his or her spouse by publicly stating that they were doing so while turning around three times. The individual in question was not my spouse, but we were together longer than many marriages. Funny, now, we have been apart almost as long, but that’s another story.
In many old cultures, it was believed that it was possible to speak a thing into existence. Unfortunately, the thing brought into existence by speaking it is usually something malevolent. I choose to believe that it’s possible to bring something good and beautiful into existence by speaking or writing it too. I am sadder than I’ve been since my mother died on February 27. In a way, that’s good because I don’t have the usual protective armor and can allow the pain pour out into what I want and need.
What I Need
- Shelter that I can count on
- I need to claw my way out of this crippling depression
- I need to know that I matter
- I need to be clear about who my friends are and who they aren’t
- I need to know who I can count on for what
- I need to eat occasionally
- I need to feel safe
- I need to be important to someone
- I need money to keep the house functioning
- I need a home
- I need to let some of this agony out of me before it tears me to pieces
- I need to forget
- I need to be loved
- I need rest
- I need help with some of the above
What I Want
- I want one last love affair that burns so bright it lights the night sky
- I want happiness
- I want great monkey-hanging-from-the-chandelier sex
- I want a partner who understands me
- I want a partner who can console me even if she doesn’t understand
- I want to be wrapped safely in her arms and hold her safely in mine
- I want a chance to pass my knowledge of so many things on to someone else
- I want someone who can love me just as I am
- I want someone who doesn’t see me as a liability
- I want someone who can appreciate me and see me as an asset
- I want Glenn to burn in hell for what he’s done to me and, I’m sure, to others
- I want to live my life in beauty, love, grace and forgiveness
- I want to be a parent, even though I know that won’t happen now
- I want to cry because my heart is breaking and I’m alone
- I want to know that I’ve mattered to someone special
- I want a garden of wild flowers that border a stone patio sitting in the middle of the backyard
- I want to be a successful publisher
- I want to be a person who believes other people matter
What I Don’t Want
- I don’t want to be someone who believes they are entitled just because
- I don’t want to forget that no one is perfect
- I don’t want money to be my sole badge of honor
- I don’t want expensive things to prove to myself and/or others that I’m worth something
- I don’t want anymore dysfunctional relationships
- I don’t want to hurt or cause harm to anyone–unless it is to promote change
- I don’t want to feel so hurt and alone ever again
- I don’t want to pass love by
- I don’t want to be sad anymore
- I don’t want to hurt anymore
- I don’t want Glenn at all
- I don’t want to feel like dying
- I don’t want to see tomorrow
- I don’t want my girls to suffer
Posted in depression, general, healing, introspection, loss, self image
Tagged chaos, depression, disability, ending of love, glenn t., grief, loneliness, loss, trauma